For the longest time, whenever I heard people complaining about insignificant events – a stain on their favourite sweater, the wrong seat in a movie theater, not getting tickets to a concert they really wanted to see – I always felt an urge to shake them. I felt it was my responsibility to remind them that were starving children in Africa – why weren’t they just grateful for a sweater on their back? Or the privilege of watching a movie? Or the ability to listen to their favourite musician whenever they pleased on their fancy mp3 player?
Even when I caught myself complaining about the silliest of details, I always felt so spoiled. I felt like an ungrateful little girl, stuck in my own world, indifferent to the circumstances of the rest of the world. When I would then remind myself of those in less fortunate circumstances – occasionally my thoughts would turn around, but most often it wouldn’t accomplish what I hoped it would – namely a true change in my own attitude.
Recently I’ve learned that my eyes are not God’s eyes – and they don’t perfectly reflect that which He sees.
A few weeks back my heart slightly broke. It wasn’t a devastating hurt. In fact, it was probably the kind of thing that was bound to happen in time, so if anything – I ought to have been grateful for the pain I was being saved down the road. That’s what my head told me.
And yet – tears poured down my face as I experienced my emotions of the moment.
But in that moment, when I just couldn’t control the hurt in my heart, I heard God speak so clearly. And I knew that He cared. Yes, as I cried – curled up in my in my overpriced bed, wearing my overpriced sweatshirt, with my overpriced make-up all over my face, the God of this universe cared.
As humans – we’re so tempted to see circumstances. And to judge our lives based on circumstances. I think we’ve been brought up to do just that. When we see someone who is blind, we’re so grateful we can see. When we see someone without a fancy house, we’re thankful for the shelter under which we live. And when we see people in developing nations living lives so extremely different than our own – we think it’s our responsibility to give them what ‘we have’. To impose our infrastructure, our culture and our morals on their people.
I’m not sure that’s how it’s supposed to be. Though there are some basic human necessities that ought to be shared the best we know how with the greatest number of people, I dare say even that is not what’s MOST important.
If a mother or a father were to decide if they would rather have children who are rich but unhappy, or poor and happy –what would they choose? It’s not an easy question, because society and experience have led us to believe that money makes for happiness. But at the end of the day, a parent wants their child to be happy. To be satisfied. To be content. And they only want them to have money because they believe that is what will lead them to this desired outcome. A parent is less concerned with their child’s circumstances than they are with what that circumstance might produce (from this idea we develop the concept of discipline).
And as we so often see, the desires of a human parent for their child beautifully reflect God’s desires for His children.
I really doubt it matters if you have money or if you don’t. I don’t think it matters if you can hear or if you’re deaf. If you sing like an angel or are completely tone deaf. These things just seem so worldly. And there are countless examples of beautiful, talented, unique, holy people who fall under every title we could dream up.
Instead, I believe the Lord is concerned with the essence of His creation. He is concerned with my heart. My soul. My salvation. He wants for me to know His love. He longs for me to trust in His love. To find security in calling Him my Father. I think He desires that I go to sleep every night knowing that I am important. Knowing that I am precious. Cherished. Cared for.
This life just is not about our circumstances. It’s not a comparison between what I have and what you have. What you have accomplished and what I have. Our circumstances are only important in so much as they direct us towards our ultimate home. If it takes a broken heart for me – Inshallah. If it takes illness for one, poverty for another and failure for yet another – far be it for me to say their circumstances are unfortunate. For if we are able walk through these circumstances and end up at a place where we are more able to trust in the unwavering love of our Father – then our circumstances, easily dismissed by this world as misfortune – were exactly what we needed.
And so, as I lay curled up in my bed – I don’t think the Lord spoke ingratitude over me, as I may have done to myself before. No – I think He saw the part of me that is still looking for love and acceptance in this world. And He saw how it had been refused. And He knew what that meant to me. He understood my tears.. and I think He was happy to let His love be known in my time of hurt.
