Arbitrarily abnormal

We have this idea that if you’re not in “perfect health” that you’re abnormal – you have a disorder.

I don’t think that’s fair.

For something to be normal it must be “in accordance with scientific laws”. The Merriam Webster suggests that normal is defined as “occurring naturally”.

If that is the case, if we would trust this dictionary for other definitions and therefore can accept this same definition – then Down’s syndrome is NORMAL. Multiple sclerosis is NORMAL. Cystic fibrosis is NORMAL. Many illnesses are NORMAL.

But maybe that definition of normal doesn’t satisfy…. Maybe we think normal should be a construct we examine within the context of the majority.

STILL.

If we define normal based on societal norms, based on that which describes the majority of people, then having blond hair is a DISORDER. Having a university education is ABNORMAL. If we truly compare ourselves to the majority of people – we would all be abnormal in one sense or another.
And if we accept that, then I guess I’m okay with identifying disease states as abnormal.

My issue, then, arises when we rank ourselves on a vertical ladder that says one state of abnormality is greater or worse than another. When we accept a certain amount of deviance from the norm, but arbitrarily define a cut off, below which, we no longer believe life should exist.

When does this happen, you ask.

90% of women who undergo prenatal screening and receive a positive test for Down’s syndrome (which is neither 100% specific nor sensitive, indicating false positives do occur), will choose to abort their child. Those statistics do not hold if the child is found to have light hair – so that degree of abnormality is okay. They also do not hold if the child is found to have an extra finger or a cleft palate – a greater degree of abnormality, but still acceptable. Why.

As far back as the human family can be traced, these “abnormal states” have been present. People with different coloured eyes and different coloured skin, who may not represent the majority, have maintained a right to remain a part of our family. Should not, too, those with Down’s syndrome? Or cystic fibrosis? Should they not be extended that same welcome in to this world?

As genetic screening becomes increasingly wide-spread and abortion rates remain devastatingly high, let us not forget that our individual choices determine the future of our human family – which is strengthened, not broken, by its great diversity.

Surprised by His love...

I think God has an *ongoing desire to make His love known.

I think, often, when we look at the cross, we’re (a) horrified and then (b) flabbergasted.

And then… somehow… we dare to believe that the Lord suffered the cross for our sake. That He really did love us enough to lay down His life.

And THEN we’re overcome by this sense of gratitude. We feel this responsibility to show the Lord how much we love Him. We feel like He has done His part on the cross, and now the rest of our life song should sing of our love for Him. And to ask Him for another sign of His love, would be like asking Mother Teresa to have done more. For He has done more than enough already.

BUT – in so doing, I think we almost remove Him from our relationship, as we strive to love him back.

Love is not a one-time commitment. It is not just something we prove once in some extravagant demonstration. And we know this. Because, in truth, that doesn’t match our human experience of love.

A man does not make an elaborate demonstration of his love as he proposes to his beloved – and expect that to be followed by a lifetime of his wife ‘repaying’ that love.

A mother doesn’t tell her daughter once when she is 6 years old that she loves her, and is willing to sacrifice her career to raise her – and then expect her daughter to love her back for the rest of their relationship with no further extension of love on the mother’s behalf.

Not only would that be a violation of love, it just doesn’t match our natural inclinations.

WHEN I LOVE SOMEONE I WANT THEM TO KNOW IT.
I want to express my love repeatedly.

I FEEL COMPELLED TO LAVISH THEM WITH MY LOVE.
With words of encouragement.
With hugs and physical affection.
With my time.
With my efforts.
With that which I have that I can offer them.

I long for them to know that I love them. And not just once.
I long to show them my love over and over and over again.

Is that not the very character of love?

Once we feel it, when we choose it – we are spilling over with a desire to have it known. To make it manifest.

Sure, we feel it more at some times and less at others, but that’s our humanness.

IMAGINE THE LOVE OF GOD THE FATHER.

He loves us SO perfectly.

And yes – what He did on that cross is enough.
It IS all we need.
It is the greatest gift any of us could ever dare to ask for.

And yet, it wasn’t meant to be a one time expression of love.

Jesus didn’t die on that cross that we would seek to repay that love for the rest of our lives.
No – He continues to desire to lavish His love upon us on a daily basis. He doesn’t want to hide that love and He doesn’t ask us to prove our love.

Even after emptying Himself fully on the cross, He –still- desires to romance us. To give even more of Himself for us – His beloved. For me – His princess. For you – His prince.

And just as a lover devises creative ways of expressing himself to the one whom he loves, so the Lord does for us. He blesses us with His abundant love. And in so doing – He invites us to fall in love with Him.

Yes – it is when we allow our hearts to be truly captured by His love that His name begins to bring a smile to our lips. It is when we are being pursued by the Lord that there is joy in our step.

He who created our hearts is ready to fight for them. He WANTS to fight for them.
... that we might have eyes to recognize the way in which our Saviour woos us.

But there are starving children in Africa….

For the longest time, whenever I heard people complaining about insignificant events – a stain on their favourite sweater, the wrong seat in a movie theater, not getting tickets to a concert they really wanted to see – I always felt an urge to shake them. I felt it was my responsibility to remind them that were starving children in Africa – why weren’t they just grateful for a sweater on their back? Or the privilege of watching a movie? Or the ability to listen to their favourite musician whenever they pleased on their fancy mp3 player?

Even when I caught myself complaining about the silliest of details, I always felt so spoiled. I felt like an ungrateful little girl, stuck in my own world, indifferent to the circumstances of the rest of the world. When I would then remind myself of those in less fortunate circumstances – occasionally my thoughts would turn around, but most often it wouldn’t accomplish what I hoped it would – namely a true change in my own attitude.

Recently I’ve learned that my eyes are not God’s eyes – and they don’t perfectly reflect that which He sees.

A few weeks back my heart slightly broke. It wasn’t a devastating hurt. In fact, it was probably the kind of thing that was bound to happen in time, so if anything – I ought to have been grateful for the pain I was being saved down the road. That’s what my head told me.

And yet – tears poured down my face as I experienced my emotions of the moment.

But in that moment, when I just couldn’t control the hurt in my heart, I heard God speak so clearly. And I knew that He cared. Yes, as I cried – curled up in my in my overpriced bed, wearing my overpriced sweatshirt, with my overpriced make-up all over my face, the God of this universe cared.

As humans – we’re so tempted to see circumstances. And to judge our lives based on circumstances. I think we’ve been brought up to do just that. When we see someone who is blind, we’re so grateful we can see. When we see someone without a fancy house, we’re thankful for the shelter under which we live. And when we see people in developing nations living lives so extremely different than our own – we think it’s our responsibility to give them what ‘we have’. To impose our infrastructure, our culture and our morals on their people.

I’m not sure that’s how it’s supposed to be. Though there are some basic human necessities that ought to be shared the best we know how with the greatest number of people, I dare say even that is not what’s MOST important.

If a mother or a father were to decide if they would rather have children who are rich but unhappy, or poor and happy –what would they choose? It’s not an easy question, because society and experience have led us to believe that money makes for happiness. But at the end of the day, a parent wants their child to be happy. To be satisfied. To be content. And they only want them to have money because they believe that is what will lead them to this desired outcome. A parent is less concerned with their child’s circumstances than they are with what that circumstance might produce (from this idea we develop the concept of discipline).

And as we so often see, the desires of a human parent for their child beautifully reflect God’s desires for His children.

I really doubt it matters if you have money or if you don’t. I don’t think it matters if you can hear or if you’re deaf. If you sing like an angel or are completely tone deaf. These things just seem so worldly. And there are countless examples of beautiful, talented, unique, holy people who fall under every title we could dream up.

Instead, I believe the Lord is concerned with the essence of His creation. He is concerned with my heart. My soul. My salvation. He wants for me to know His love. He longs for me to trust in His love. To find security in calling Him my Father. I think He desires that I go to sleep every night knowing that I am important. Knowing that I am precious. Cherished. Cared for.

This life just is not about our circumstances. It’s not a comparison between what I have and what you have. What you have accomplished and what I have. Our circumstances are only important in so much as they direct us towards our ultimate home. If it takes a broken heart for me – Inshallah. If it takes illness for one, poverty for another and failure for yet another – far be it for me to say their circumstances are unfortunate. For if we are able walk through these circumstances and end up at a place where we are more able to trust in the unwavering love of our Father – then our circumstances, easily dismissed by this world as misfortune – were exactly what we needed.

And so, as I lay curled up in my bed – I don’t think the Lord spoke ingratitude over me, as I may have done to myself before. No – I think He saw the part of me that is still looking for love and acceptance in this world. And He saw how it had been refused. And He knew what that meant to me. He understood my tears.. and I think He was happy to let His love be known in my time of hurt.

One body in Christ

In Church history – there used to be a lot of talk of making reparition for sin. There was, and still remains, this idea that as a body of Christ, we can make reparation for one another’s sins. That the penance we do and the sacrifices we make, can atone for the sin of others.

And this makes sense.

If, as a child, your vision in your left eye isn’t so good – the part of your brain responsible for vision in your right eye will “over develop” in order to compensate for decreased vision on your left. If you develop a permanent contraction in your hip that would normally prevent you from placing your feet evenly on the ground, the normal curve in your lower back will exaggerate to allow for normal movement. Similarly, if you lose your sense of vision, your sense of touch and taste are heightened to compensate for your lack of visual perception.

And so we see that the human body is able to, and naturally does, compensate for its imperfections.

So can the body of Christ.

While it would be easy for us to just live our own lives as though we weren’t part of a greater, supernatural community of believers – that’s not the reality of the Church. For when we were baptized, we became a part of God’s Kingdom – and that comes with a responsibility that supercedes our own wellbeing. Just as the leg cannot operate on its own and becomes paralyzed if the spinal cord is severed, I, too, cannot live disconnected from the mystical body. No – I run this race with my brothers and sisters. And in so much as they make up for what I lack, I too have a call to make up for where they lack.

Indeed we are called to share in each others’ sufferings, and we are called to atone for one another’s sins. We are called to pray for one another, to fast for one another and to suffer for one another. We are called to live as one body, and beg forgiveness as one body – for the sins of ourselves, of our Church, of our country and indeed of the whole human race.

St. Paul knew this (Colossians 1:24). And we need to remember it.

For the body of Christ on this Earth will never be made up of individuals who have attained perfection. And so – the only way in which we will achieve perfection is if we rely on each other for that which we lack and selflessly offer ourselves, and our lives, for the sake of the Kingdom to which we belong.

Colossians 1:24
Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church

Because laundry makes for wonderful analogies….

The doctrine of justification by faith (sola fida) that suggests that once we believe we are immediately justified, is something like this shirt I had when I was 4. I spilled cranberry juice all over the front of it and didn't really know that laundry machines existed. And so, my little brain concluded that there was only one solution to this dilemma - I took a red paintbrush and painted over the entire design that had formerly decorated my shirt to disguise the stain. Good bye forever flower-patterned shirt!

When we say that the blood of Jesus justifies us from the moment we put our faith in Him – we become that shirt – we are covered by the blood of Christ in an instant. And if we subscribe to a doctrine of once saved always saved, we can no longer re-create that shirt. Those flowers that were once there, the sin that once made us unworthy of entering heaven is permanently covered and cannot be revealed.

A few years later, I learned to do the laundry.

From that point on, I discovered that different clothes require different rinses. A general detergent is normally enough to clean a shirt, but once and a while, a special something is needed. Once the shirt comes out of the wash, it’s not always clean – sometimes it needs to be washed again before it’s fully ready to be worn again. But once it’s clean, it looks just as it did when it was made. The flowers don’t fade and the colours remain bright.

I think that’s why I find the doctrine of ongoing justification so beautiful. Everything about who we are becomes justified. We’re not all run through the same mill; we don’t all undergo the same transformation. Instead – we are uniquely transformed through our personal experiences, prayers and times of worship. It is our trials – or rather our response to trials, to temptation and to suffering that change us. Our life becomes a permanent process of conversion as God reaches deep in to our souls and draws out the spotless creature that He has made. Instead of wiping away our ability to reject God in one moment, instead we walk slowly, hourly with our God as He changes our will and strengthens us to choose in Him in every circumstance. And so our flowers remain.

It’s not as easy. And it’s not as simple.
But it’s so beautiful.

Living this moment

There is so much to be said for setting goals. For planning long term. For preparing what the future.
These things all have the power to save us sleepless nights and bouts of anxiety

But there’s also something to be said for living in the now. Especially for some of us.
The future is, and will ever be, a mystery.
But for some of us – we occasionally get a glimpse in to what it might look like.

The aspiring law student works with an accredited lawyer and envisions how her days will be spent.
A pregnant mother spends the day with her best friend’s newborn baby, and there she sees what her future may hold.
And the sick patient, the newly diagnosed, encounters a patient who was in their shoes 25 years ago. The ‘early stages’ patient meets the ‘late stage’ patient, and they, too, glimpse their future.

It’s happened to me twice.

The first time, I expected myself to react. I expected to be scared, to be anxious, to have somewhat of an aversion to Mr. Late stage.
But I didn’t.
I think it’s because Mr. Late stage was the kindest man alive. And the happiest. And he made me believe that if I ended up in his position, affected as he was, that I, too, would be happy. So after mentally noting that my reaction had not been what I expected, I jovially went on with the rest of my day.

And then came instance number two.

In class recently, we’ve been learning a bit about what my future could hold.
And it’s not THAT bad. Worse things exist.
I had a friend return recently from a developing nation where she had a needlestick with HIV and for the past month has been waiting on results that could change her life.
I know things could be worse.

But these days, when I think about the future, I’m scared.

The part of me that had dealt with this diagnosis, that has been at peace for so long, is starting to remind me, once again, that not everything is well. And it makes it just a little difficult to live in this moment. It tempts me to worry about tomorrow, even though I’ve chosen to live in today. And so I find myself in a place where I have to remind myself to enjoy the sun that is shining, the cookies in the oven, the gift of being able to learn and the health that I currently enjoy.

It’s my process. I choose to appreciate all that I have today, and I trust, that if my fears come to fruition, then I will become Ms. Late stage who gives hope to the early stage medical student that interviews me in my hospital bed.

I refuse to miss out on the joys today because of the possibilities of tomorrow. And I refuse to stop trusting that everything that happens in my life, that I have no control over, can be the wrong thing for my life. There are some things in life that we make happen. And there are some things that happen to us. When we fail to create the former – shame on us. But when we fail to accept the latter, I think we cease to grow.

And so

For today, I will live joyfully in the duty of this moment.

Declaring love

The thing about being loved…
Is that you don’t always feel loved.

I think my life has 3 kinds of days
1. My everyday life – maybe you run in to the odd person who brightens your day or receive the odd phone call from a friend, but generally, it’s not extraordinary – it’s just quite ordinary. But when you know the love of Jesus, suddenly the ordinary becomes extraordinary – and that’s kind of your baseline. That’s what you expect everyday. An extraordinary ordinary day because of God’s love.

2. Day two is the kind of day where I’m surrounded by people who love me deeply. They’re the kind of people who encourage and support you, who push you to be your best and who outwardly approve of you. In a sense, these are the people who make manifest God’s love for us. The way in which they love us is the best way we receive love. On these days, when we go to bed, we know what it is to be loved by God BECAUSE of these people’s love. We declare with ease that God loves us, because He has sent these people as a physical reminder of His love. These are some of the best days.

3. And then there’s day 3. These are the harder days. These are the days when you encounter people in a different way. There’s nothing to say they don’t love you – they probably do. But sometimes we don’t understand love in the way they express it. Sometimes their brokenness comes in the way of them loving us perfectly and we feel hurt, lonely, misunderstood. We almost feel worthless. We wonder why they don’t treat us as though we’re special, important, valued, cherished. These aren’t like day 1 or day 2. No, day threes are the days when, before we go to bed, we have to declare in truth that we are still perfectly loved. That our value as human beings has not changed. That we are precious and beautiful and loved. We have to remind ourselves that this was just a day 3, and tomorrow will be a day 1 or 2, and even if it’s not, it doesn’t matter. Because on day 3s, God makes His love manifest. His Holy Spirit comes alive and comforts our spirits. These are the days when the devil tries to break our spirits, to make us believe that we aren’t daughters and sons of the King. These are the days when we find ourselves vulnerable and tempted to believe that our value is defined by those around us. And so it is vital that whenever a day three is thwarting our hearts, we declare in truth that never has anyone been loved the way we are loved, that we claim God’s love and we allow His arms to consume us as we listen to His heart beat once again.