Have I commented before on my paradoxical feelings about marriage?
I’m not sure.
But when I hear about shootings tearing families apart it
breaks my heart. Into pieces. Lots and lots of pieces. For lots of reasons. But
the couples who are torn apart is really getting me these days.
I remember a time when I was happy without a husband at
my side and a ring on my fourth finger. Where I felt unattached to most everything
in this world. Where the thought of losing certain things or even certain
people was terribly painful, but always bearable. I felt like if I lost some of
my closest relationships, life would stop for a while, there would be a lot of
grief, and then eventually I would pick myself back up and learn to walk on.
But marriage has taken that ability away from me. The
ability to imagine a world that would be okay if I was in it and my husband was
not.
I really can’t fathom it.
I’ve tried, when confronted with stories of others losing
their beloved. But all I see is myself, in bed, with pillows, blankets and
piles of Kleenex. And I can’t imagine moving on from that place. He is so much
a part of me that the thought of our lives being separated seems cruel. It almost
makes marriage seem cruel. Because chances are, please God no time soon, but
one day, one of us will leave before the other. And from day one, I’ve told him
that it better be me.
There’s a part of me that thinks this is beautiful. That
after knowing a man for only 2 years and a few months, I could feel so deeply
connected to him. But I’ve known plenty of people for 5 times than length of
time and haven’t ever quite felt this connected. I’m pretty sure it’s the
marriage thing– it’s the grace of the Sacrament and the act of marriage that
creates this bond that just doesn’t exist elsewhere.
If you know me, you know I love my family. And was
terribly nervous to leave home and move across the country. But never have I
looked back or wished I had passed on this man for someone more ‘local’. The
thought just doesn’t exist.
I don’t really have a place I intend to end with these
thoughts – but reading about the young, pregnant woman whose husband is in
critical condition because of the Batman shooting is painful.
I guess this all reminds me of a couple things
1. Marriage is so unique – it’s a beautiful,
sacred, deep, unifying relationship that takes two lives and welds them into
one. My experience of marriage makes me feel increasingly sad about the rising
rates of divorce in the world.
2. Some people say that for women sex is unifying
and for men it’s physical. But I think it’s both for both. And the unifying bit
is terrifically powerful. And I’m surprised that some people seem to be able to
entirely remove this component from an act that so physically screams unity.
3. God is so smart – His design of the world, of males
and females and of the sacrament of marriage is brilliant. And living out this
part of His plan for my life reminds me of His brilliant mind.
4. There is a serious and significant role for
single people in the world. The choice to be single seems to be less well
accepted in society, but marriage really does change you. And your
relationships. And the way you interact with the world. And St. Paul obviously
knew this when he talked about being single for God. I wonder if people miss
this call because of the pressures of the world…
Anyways – I love being married. I wouldn’t trade it for
anything in the world.
It’s not all roses and chocolates. And it’s not right for
everyone.
But I think God called me to this place in my life. And I
really do love it.
… but still, I better go first.
