I love you so much – but not enough. yet.

Temptation is a funny thing – one I used to think only existed in the secular, tangible world.

And my solution to temptation has generally been avoidance, as possible.
If I’m fasting from chocolate during the season of lent, I eliminate it from my cupboards and keep it off my grocery list. If I’m inclined towards sin with a certain man, I avoid situations that might permit us to fall. I think it’s pretty reasonable. Chocolate is chocolate, so there isn’t much to say about that. But with a man, I’m often able to recognize that if I loved him with a perfect love, my selfish desires would be undermined by my desire for his well-being and that would be enough to keep us from sin. Unfortunately, I’ve found that this isn’t always the case, and my love isn’t always pure or perfect or able to withstand significant temptation. And that’s why avoidance becomes my strategy.

The other day I was driving home post-call and realized that Mass would be starting shortly at our Parish. As I was deciding to go, I realized I had an apology I needed to offer. Though the issue was not mortal sin territory, I still felt like I needed to seek forgiveness before receiving Jesus – and knew that I had been avoiding it for a few days. I then considered going to Mass and not receiving the Eucharist, but I found myself in a similar sort of place I had found myself before with a man. This idea that because I loved Jesus so much, (but not enough), I didn’t know if I would be able to resist Him in the Eucharist. And so, from a desire not to dishonor Him with my sin, I kept my distance until that afternoon when I was reconciled with the other.

As our love grows, I think we go through phases. Simply put, I think we begin with an attraction to another that entices us to spend time with them, to invest in them, to learn about them. As our relationship begins to establish itself, I think we often end up in a place where we feel compelled to serve the other in a certain capacity, but aren’t necessarily more concerned with their wellbeing than we are with our own. And often we get stuck here.

If we persevere, if we push through, if we seek to love perfectly, we eventually end up in a place where we are ready to lay down our lives for the sake of another. We find ourselves offering a selfless and sacrificial love. Our love begins to resemble that of our Lord who allowed nails to pierce His hands and feet that we might have the Best. Not just that which is good, but that which is Best.

We are all capable of offering that kind of love – because the Lord who created it is alive and at work in each one of us. It is thus our choice of where we will settle, where we will end up. Will we only love enough to maintain our relationships, or will we give everything, aware of the hurt and disappointment that will follow, but still able to give, as we find our foundation in love Himself.

Drawn in to love...

The love of the Trinity is phenomenal. Potentially so phenomenal that we can’t understand it. But when I think about the love of the Trinity – I understand it as three which become one because of a powerful and binding love. Minutely similar to us – our human bodies are essentially held tightly together by connective tissue galore. Without these binding factors, we would quickly fall apart in to our many individual parts. I think that’s sort of how the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are bound together as one God – bound by a love so strong, so selfless and so stable that it can take three and make them one, in the same way that small structures in our body take our individual parts and make them one.

So I think this makes the Eucharist AMAZING. Because when Jesus enters our body – we, too, are drawn in to that love. The love of the Trinity is necessarily imparted to us and poured forth from us – because Jesus, who we hold within us, cannot be isolated from the love of the Father and Holy Spirit. And so, as Father and Spirit pour forth love, we are enveloped in a pure and perfect love – and as Christ’s love contributes to the Three in One – we become capable of expressing a perfect, selfless, sacrificial love.

I think that’s right…